Wednesday, April 29, 2009

I Wish I Knew How It Would Feel To Be Free

27th April 2009

It was the day of my freedom; I was released from the clutches that held me for 4 gruelling months. Overwhelmed by feelings of joy, we decided to hold a celebration to commemorate our release. Not forever but a temporal release from studying. It was decided that we all need to let out the grudges we bore within us against the system we live in. And so, karaoke was the solution.

How interesting was it? I would say it was 60-40. Let me justify myself with an elaborate explanation. It was 40% good because I felt so relieved after one week of suffering and toiling. It's this feeling you get, where you have no more worries in the world and you can just sit there, waste time and not feel guilty about it. No offence to my friends who were with me, 60% of the day was bad for me.

Three reasons. Firstly, I spent the night before singing and composing songs with my friends that I lost 70% of my voice the following day. Now, of course, who would enjoy a karaoke session without his full voice to abuse? Secondly, there were too many Mandarin songs sung. I don't understand and I can't read Mandarin. And there's this thing with Mandarin songs; almost 90% of the time, they have this similar rhythm, tune, and flow. Heck, even the MVs were the same! Almost every MV you have this guy and girl kissing or rolling on the bed. I guess to the Chinese, songs are all about love and relationships. Yes, karaoke's not the place for me to appreciate true music but nevertheless, I always have this tendency in me to evaluate a song's musical value.

I was being a couch potato and staring blankly at the screen when I asked myself, "What's the date today?" I realised it was 27th April 2009. I stopped; my heart sank. It was Dad's birthday the previous day. Somehow, I didn't remember. The person who has done so much for me and loved me like no one ever has is now but a memory.

I sat there, feeling disappointed. I didn't want to forget, yet I did. My feelings changed. Apart from being tired, sorrow consumed me. Memories flooded my mind. Birthdays were special to Dad. He had his own trademarked ways of celebrating birthdays in the family. Go away; don't bother me. What good are memories when the person is not around anymore? It just kills me a little more inside everytime this happens.

27th April 2009. Yes, I finally got my freedom. But I never had freedom from my memories.

It hurts. It still hurts.


Luther Vandross - Dance With My Father Again

Back when I was a child 
Before life removed all the innocence 
My father would lift me high 
And dance with my mother and me and then

Spin me around till I fell asleep 
Then up the stairs he would carry me 
And I knew for sure 
I was loved

If I could get another chance 
Another walk, another dance with him 
I'd play a song that would never, ever end 
How I'd love, love, love to dance with my father again

When I and my mother would disagree 
To get my way I would run from her to him 
He'd make me laugh just to comfort me, yeah, yeah 
Then finally make me do just what my mama said

Later that night when I was asleep 
He left a dollar under my sheet 
Never dreamed that he 
Would be gone from me

If I could steal one final glance 
One final step, one final dance with him 
I'd play a song that would never, ever end 
Cause I'd love, love, love to dance with my father again

Sometimes I'd listen outside her door 
And I'd hear her, mama cryin' for him 
I pray for her even more than me 
I pray for her even more than me

I know I'm prayin' for much too much 
But could You send back the only man she loved 
I know You don't do it usually 
But Lord, she's dyin' to dance with my father again 
Every night I fall asleep 
And this is all I ever dream


ruth said...

hey... thats sad
i wan to say something more but i dont know what.. i hope u r ok now:)

pismayka said...

hope that a fren's hug would at least make it a teeny weeny bit better.

*biggg beaaarrr hug*

take comfort in the thought that you will one day meet him again in a place,up up up there,where there's no sorrow,no pain..i'm sure he wouldn't want you to be sad now. cheerie up and smileee =)

hey gay, be gay! :D

wadefly said...

dude..u`re a family man i adore it..but hei..freedom don`t prevail wei..just temporary..instead of going karaoke..y dun pawn sum noobs at dota to ease ur pain?lolx..well i wish that i could meet ur dad in person b4..but now in the eyes of heaven he wish u happiness my lad..let not sorrow dampened ur weak heart ur heart he is alive!!!

wadefish said...

ruth: sometimes, it takes more than words. thank you, i'll be alright. =)

rene: thanks, friend. you're always very encouraging, really appreciate it. except for the pun-ish last line. haha.

fly: haha. dude, kena pawn in dotA lately. really not in the mood. i'd rather maple and kill some low class monsters. yes, in a way, he will always be there.

Anonymous said...

hey clarence

well i've never really experienced the death of a family member but i knw what it's like to lose someone u love..i lost 9 friends in the past year..and as u knw the one who recently passed was someone very close to me..the memories would never will always be there..especially on special dates like birthdays..and you cant help feeling sad..and you cant help wishing that that person never left..but God is also there..God loves you..and he Loves ur Dad.. nothin much can be said to ease the pain..but at least ur sure..that he is in paradise, with the Lord..and that is the best place for him to be=)

take care bro.. *huggiess*

xinxin^^ said...

Dear Friend,

take a rest and pray to God whenever you feel depressed and down...

God will always be there for us.
It's true that death is really hard to bear with......Very very hard...

Phil 4:6-7
God bless!!

Xin Min said...

hey clarence..

*sigh* Missing someone who's no longer physically with us is indeed painful.. I really don't know what to say, too.. But hope you're feeling at least slightly better now.. *hugs* =)

wadefish said...

hyma: sometimes, i wonder if amnesia's something good. you dont have to remember anything. but this is reality. thanks anyway, for the encouragement. i guess i can only take comfort in that.

wanshing: thanks for the verse, friend. really appreciate it.

xinmin: thanks for all the encouragement and hugs. you kurshiah 3rd fellas are awesome. and yeah, you dont have to say anything, it's sufficient to care.

=) thanks all.

yohanand said...


Manchester United, after snatching dimitar berbatov, will now move on to steal aaron lennon. Can the spurs go any lower? i think they can. Glory glory man united

wadefish said...

yo: look at the cheap, low-class move devils are contemplating. they can never have any world class players of their own. they always have to resort to "stealing" from other clubs. glory? i'd say shame, shame, man. united.

yohanand said...

yea.. ok... were top.. *runs away*