Passive Manipulation

 My last paper for this semester is in 2 hours. Don't be misunderstood; I did not wake up early just to do some last minute revision. In fact, I did not sleep. Lately, I have been having some conversations concerning the Christian life with one of my friends. As the 3 of us sat at Sahur yesterday, again, we were at topics which revolved around this.

To be honest, I'm no saint. To be honest, I'm a sinner. And maybe one worse than most of you out there. During my early secondary years, I mixed with a group of "heavy" Cantonese speaking friends. It was those years that I was a foul-mouthed little brat with a very enhanced and comprehensive vocabulary of vulgar words. As I grew up, my conscience prompted me to stop. I did in a way. I no longer use explicit foul words but retained milder forms of them such as "bitch", "asshole", and those within the same category. For me, it was, "Hey, as long as I don't use Cantonese bad words or the F-word, I'm justified." And so, developed a self-righteous theory which I lived with for years.

We all want to be Christians the easy way. We all want to be good Christians but retain some sins in certain respects of our lives. I give in a little, I compromise Christianity a little, and we have what I term a comfortable contract of living. Until now, I never realised I was setting double standards in my Christian life. Consider sin. What categories exist? Is murder any heavier a sin than theft? Is adultery much greater a sin than pornography? The truth is, categories don't exist. You don't measure sin. You don't compare one sin's sinfulness with another. Even we, sinners, are equal in the eyes of God. So, what makes one sin different from another? Going back to the issue, what makes one bad word less explicit than the other? What makes "bitch" a less vulgar word than "fuck"? At this point, I'm disheartened because I'm self-righteous. I'm an unworthy sinner. I'm a hypocrite.

It's this. Something happened of late. I witnessed how blasphemous and vulgar a Christian can get. In my somewhat mixed feelings of humour and disapproval at what I saw, I became disgusted with myself. Even though I was a witness, I couldn't bring myself to correct my fellow brethren. How can I remove the speck which is in my brother's eyes when I fail to see the log in my own? God reminded and I made a decision. I will to break down the distinction I set between vulgar words of seemingly varying "degrees". I will to remove self-justifying double standards in my life. I will to be a lesser hypocrite than I already am.

This tends to be a trivial issue to many. In fact, some couldn't care less. My friend argued and told me it doesn't matter because it's just a form of expressing himself when he's agitated or frustrated. He told me it doesn't matter because he didn't mean those things he utters. It was nothing but mere statements of exclamation. But out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. How can we with the same mouth bless our God and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the similitude of God? Does a spring send forth fresh water and bitter from the same opening? Can a fig tree bear olive, or a grapevine bear figs?

Yes, many may further argue that vulgar words are defined by culture. No matter how you look at it, certain words will always be vulgar words, regardless of the etymology of the word or its exact purpose, meaning, or intent. So why should I bother? In essence, it's not that wrong after all. "Fuck" is just another word for having sex. It's culture that defines it as uncouth, as vulgar. I couldn't care less about what people think as long as I know I'm right. But my brethren, we are called to be imitators of Christ. We are His walking and living testimonies. It shouldn't be so but people judge Christianity by Christians, not by the faith itself. As ugly as it may sound, we Christians are living under scrutiny. We cannot do what the society deems as morally wrong, unacceptable, or in a more generic term, sin; even if it means sacrificing some of our pleasures and earthly contentment. And only he who is stronger can give in to the weaker. May we be less, and let Christ be more, that people will see and believe.