Train Of Thoughts

Here's what I think of Hishamuddin and his brain (if he has one).

Below are extracts of a news article from Malaysiakini.

Home Minister Hishammuddin Hussein said those involved in the 'cow-head' protest in Shah Alam last week cannot be blamed for the controversy.

Oh, really, Mr. Home Minister sir? Then who should we blame instead? The people who proposed the relocation of the Hindu temple? The innocent residents of Shah Alam? The poor, mutilated cow head? Or somehow, God knows why, Pakatan Rakyat? This is a completely retarded, contradicting statement made by Hishamuddin. It's just as good as saying "Don't blame the murderer for the murder." Yeah, blame the victim instead!

...he [Hishamuddin] said the protesters “had no intention at all to bring the cow's head and invoke racial sentiments or cause tension”.

Right. Somehow, these culprits forgot that the cow is considered sacred to the Indian community. And so, they butchered a cow, dragged its head to the protest, spat, and stepped on it. You see, you can't blame them because so happened, the price of cows went down significantly just one day before their protest. Ain't a cheap and huge animal just perfectly convenient for a religious protest as such? Draws attention to their demands efficiently, eh? You bet, darlings! Blame it on Economics, dear Mr. Home Minister sir!

“They are not going (to be let off) scot-free. But they just feel victimised because they feel there is another valid explanation and had no intention to cause racial (divisions),” he said.

Yes, yes. We are all very confident with your sense of justice, Hishamuddin. These extremists are not going scot-free. They will be let off with a stern warning considering the "fact" that they too are victims in this fracas. And mind you, a VERY stern warning indeed. But why did these "victims" choose to protest over a religious (specifically the Hindu religion) issue using a cow's head? Why not another animal instead? Like chicken or fish? Expensive? No. Controversial? No. Mobile? Yes. Effective? Then again, no. Who would've given a damn if these protesters used a chicken head instead? Nobody. No, cow heads draw attention like Paris Hilton in a marketplace. Therefore, its usage is justified. Now everybody has something to say about this protest. They are making news! Mission completed! And no, creating racial divisions is never one of their objectives. All they wanted was a little fame and popularity.

Hishammuddin said he was told that the “residents did not know the organisers and did not know a cow's head would be brought during the demonstration”.

I do not know how far this statement is true. But I will never ever give Hishamuddin benefit of the doubt because he doesn't deserve it. Not with all his Keris wielding antics fresh in our memories. I'm sure some of the residents were innocent, but definitely not all. Come on, these bloody protesters are the residents themselves!

“When we sat and discussed this, they (said they) realised that they were in a situation they could not control.”

Yeah, I'm pretty sure they had this obsessive compulsion with cow heads that they could not control their overwhelming urge to spit and step on God's creation. Why, they must be waging hell of a war within themselves. And the devil inside won.

He further defended the protesters, saying that “they just wanted their voices to be heard”.

“All they wanted to do was to voice their unhappiness and the unwillingness of the state government to consider their request.”

Well, all we heard was a bunch of twisted, sick, demented extremists calling for bloodshed in this country. To me, they are no better than the bloodthirsty Orcs who lust for war in the history of Warcraft. Believe me, the seed of hatred has been sown in this country, among the different races. And it takes just one stupid incident for that to happen. There are many other ways to be heard. Wearing black, candelight vigils, marching and submitting memorandums but definitely not this way.

“However it was unfortunate that the protest was given negative publicity because it was linked to religious and racial sentiments,” he said.

So now, according to our ever wise Mr. Home Minister, the media is to be blamed for painting this issue black. The media is responsible for inciting hatred and creating racial tensions due to their tendency to exaggerate things. ARE YOU STUPID, HISHAMUDDIN? When the media reports facts, it's called negative publicity. No wonder we never get any decent news through mainstream media. They are all filtered and carved to your pleasure for positive publicity. And so, we get LIES and not FACTS. Just like how you want us to believe that you waving the Keris at the UMNO Youth General Assembly was merely to dig your shit-full nose.

“So if it can be resolved quickly and both sides understand each other, why (should) they be penalised?” said Hishammuddin.

Let me slap you, Hishamuddin, and then give you an elaborate explanation of my action. In return, you tell me in detail why you disapprove of my action so that we have a mutual understanding. Then, let me slap you again and don't ask questions or ask for actions to be taken against me. Dear Mr. Home Minister, every action has its consequences. It's time to wake up, and live in the now, sir. Your very statement defines your concept of a country where anybody can do anything without any consequences as long as they understand each other. Didn't you mention that none of the protesters are going scot-free? And now you're asking why should they be penalised? Dino brain.

Although the protestors reportedly did not have a permit the minister said “the protest was not big and they (organisers) were very respectful of the Selangor sultan”.

“They even limited the number of people from the committee to only 10. In fact if they wanted to have a bigger protest they could have, but they were conscious (of the impact).

What in the world has this got to do with the Sultan of Selangor? Is he a Hindu? The question should rather be: Were they respectful of the Indian community? Did they consider the sentiments of other races before protesting? Is this a subtle threat, Hishamuddin? In other words, are you saying, "Don't mess with these protesters. Just drop the issue. Or it's gonna go big-scale."? Whether it's a big or small protest, it really doesn't matter. The impact of any protest doesn't lie in the number of people involved but rather the nature and implementation of the protest itself. If they were really conscious of the impact, this cow head protest wouldn't have happened. The very reason this protest is fatal and damaging to our country is how it was done. Period.

“Even the Hindus are not passionate about the relocation of the temple to the area,” he claimed.

Now he blames the Selangor government for the poor decision. Why can't the temple be relocated to a predominantly Malay area? Are you Malays that racist? You gonna kill every single Indian you see walking your streets and breathing your air? It's just madness. This conservative, extremist mentality is just what Malaysia does not need at this moment. And you claim to speak for all the Hindus. Interview them, get their names, and publish their statements. Even if the Hindus in that area are not passionate about the relocation, it doesn't mean they are not passionate about their religion. It doesn't justify one bit what these crazy ass protesters did, which was a downright major insult to the nationwide Indian community.

On a personal note, Hishammuddin felt the protest “in this day and age should be accepted in this world, as the people want their voices to be heard”.

“If we don't give them room to voice their opinions, they have no choice but to protest. (But) regardless of the action they take, they have to adhere to the laws of the country. So they have to be responsible,” he said.

So, cow head protests should be accepted around the world? Go do it in the middle of Bombay, dear Mr. Home Minister. The government is suppressing freedom of speech and opinion. That was why so many PEACEFUL protests took place. Why didn't you, Hishamuddin, stand up for those people? But you choose to side with this violent group of fanatics. Aren't you a big, fat, huge hypocrite? What you say is utter bullshit, just to please the ignorant public. Go fix your political masters if you mean what you say.

The police, he added, will investigate the incident to identify who brought the cow's head to the protest, in addition to conducting their usual probe into the protest because “no one is above the law”

Investigate? Is that all they can do given their capacity of power? The police acted swiftly and instantly whenever there were protests. Peaceful ones, mind you. Where were the tear gas and batons we were all waiting to see in the cow head protest? Investigate? Big deal. Peaceful protests, with quite a significant number of people (played down by the mainstream media), and yet the police were able to identify and cuff the people they need to on the spot. But now? Heck, we even have photos and videos of the person stepping on the cow's head (with protesters around) and no arrests were made? On the spot? One day after? Two days after? Given that this was just a small protest, according to you, why is it so difficult to identify the culprits? No one is above the law? Oh no. You, Hishamuddin, is above the law because you bend the law to your will. And the same goes for your cow head protest friends.

Hishamuddin, you are a disgrace to mankind, our nation, and your father. You are the reason why 1Malaysia will always remain a dream far too big for the dreamer.

You should just step down.

100 is a number.

Every time you make a choice you are turning the central part of you, the part of you that chooses, into something a little different from what it was before. And taking your life as a whole, with all your innumerable choices, all your life long you are slowing turning this central thing either into a heavenly creature or into a hellish creature.

C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity.

It begins with a grumbling mood, and yourself still distinct from it: perhaps criticizing it. And yourself, in a dark hour, may will that mood, embrace it. You can repent and come out of it again. But there may come a day when you can do that no longer. Then there will be no you left to criticize the mood, nor even to enjoy it, but just the grumble itself going on forever like a machine.

C.S. Lewis, The Great Divorce.

Finality must come sometime.

C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain.

Questions Rudyard Kipling Forgot To Ask

If you have an obsession to steal, would you offer to safeguard your neighbour's treasures?

If you have a tendecy to lie, would you tell your best friend the truth under pressure?

If you have an exotic taste for Chinese delicacy, would you stare at your dog in hunger?

If you have a twisted compulsion to kill, would you be around your family members?

If you have an impulsive heart which fluctuates, would you dare to love, and love forever?

The Times, They Are a-Changing

Movie Carnival 2009 was a great experience. With a group of friends, I signed up for this 10-days-job. Tiring but nonetheless, every moment was worth it. Throughout these 10 days, I learnt many valuable lessons. Lessons on life which I thought I already knew.

If you've seen some of the photos I uploaded in Facebook, you might be wondering what my job actually was. Well, my job scope actually covers the movie patrol; none of that which you saw in those photos. Basically, I go around with 2 other colleagues, playing games, asking movie trivias, and giving out freebies; including free movie tickets! But hey, it wasn't an easy job. In fact, it was tough and embarassing. Especially when there were no people around and you have to talk to the air yelling "Free stuff!" It also pissed me off when people treated us with the disgust they usually lash on a salesperson. Some even walk away without looking at us, as if we were invisible. But I have the last laugh. You stupid people missed out on all the freebies. You people will never enjoy any good and free stuff in life. You will always live with a protective shell around you. Uneducated kiasu cynics. Go live in Singapore.

And throughout this period, I got to know many people. Call me a "katak di bawah tempurung" but I never realised the culture now is so different. Quoting Bob Dylan, the times, they really are a-changing. Smoking is no longer a taboo (even for girls) and tattoos are as common as piercings. I'm not stereotyping, I'm not discriminating, but I'm living on principles. I don't consider smoking morally wrong; there's not even any direct verses in the Bible which forbid smoking. But being a Christian, I do not want to be a stumbling block to people around me. Plus, smoking kills. Yes, I'm a Christian and I'm not ashamed to be one. So, when I found out that both my colleagues smoke, I had to detach myself from the group; often joining my friends in the Superhero Factory whenever there's free time.

Now, don't get me wrong. They were nice and fun people and it was great knowing them. However, through the course of our interaction, I came to a conclusion we were people from different worlds. And so, with a barrier in between, the friendship could never go any deeper than a superficial one. Nevertheless, I would always consider the paths worth crossing.

Throughout this period, I also realised that only by living together will you discover how one differs from the other. 5 of us, we were living under the same roof; 5 with very different characters and believe me, there were unhappiness even for the short time. However, I learnt to give and take. Though I may not say it quite as much, I always knew who my true friends were. Here, I want to especially thank Kin Wai. In the way you treated me and Wee Keng, I can't help but be moved by your sincerity. I never knew you quite so well before this but I think I do now; a little more at least. You are a true friend. You have a character that I salute.  

Many years have passed, many people have changed. And I've seen many principles compromised and slain by the unrelenting peer pressure. But the core of the problem never was the people. The problem lies with the individual. Nothing is beyond control. It's a choice. I do not want to be conformed to this world. I want be transformed by the renewing spirit of the mind. But how can I be transformed when I'm a weak and struggling Christian? And hence, I fear for myself; how long can I live on my principles? Will I too change one day? Will I see myself walking down the road of conformity in years to come? Uncertainty is the heart of fear. And fear is the heart of every man.

I want the power to change; for better, not for worse. The power to change not only me but the people around me. I want to conform without compromising my principles and values. I want to be a Jew to the Jews, a Gentile to the Gentiles. I want to conform in the way that I may have the power to transform.

I want the city on the hill to be seen.

Freedom Hangs Like Heaven Over Everyone

Try reading this. My attention span in studies is short; I couldn't spend more than 5 mins reading a paragraph. I'm going back to Ipoh soon (very)! I wish to express certain things bugging me but my blog is rigged; ultimate truths about myself often have to be supressed. Today will be history; it might be the only few times I ever step foot into Dewan Makan for breakfast. I would say it was a great week; futsal the other day was great and assignments are finally over.

Okay, that sucked. Sorry for the feeble attempt in writing a post with random sentences that don't relate to each other. Apologies for tormenting your weak minds. The blogging begins now. I couldn't sleep, didn't want to sleep, and so decided not to sleep. Tried reading Public Administration but I ended up here eventually. This is the first time I actually turn to my blog as the remedy for boredom; a fair remedy I would say.

The contents of this post were never intended. I had initially wanted to write a no-brainer. But I stumbled upon something intriguing as my post began to build itself with every sentence I wrote. These four sentences (including this) were written after the completion of this post, so here goes. As mentioned above, there are certain things I would like to blog about. But it is not within my capacity to do so. There is a misconception of freedom in blogging. People argue (and I for one argued too) that one's blog is entirely one's realm. What I choose to blog is totally up to my own discretion. Unfortunately, in the early hours of a Friday morning, I discovered it the hard way; freedom cannot co-exist with blogging. It's either or; one or the other.

I felt tempted, in fact, compelled, to write certain things but having in mind the people who might read this post and the consequences that might follow, my deepest thoughts, again, have to be bottled up. I did; I failed on countless occasions. Without taking into consideration the people who might be reading my blog, I exercised the "freedom" I thought I possess as the master of my blog. Call me impulsive. I made a stupid statement to my brother the other day. When we were discussing some of the things I blogged, I told him I never expected people to read my blog. It was only after that, that I realised how foolish I was in making a statement as such. I remember my other brother told me once, if what I wrote wasn't intended for anyone; if it's merely my self expressions, it would have been better off if I wrote it on a piece of paper, or somewhere only mine eyes would have access to them.

The blog is not an avenue for one to express himself. You can beg to differ, you can argue, you can justify your argument in many ways. But I will remain convicted; not budging; to this fact: Blogging comes with a price; and that price is the freedom of expression. A true blogger is a man in jail; he hath not freedom. Blogging is a public display of yourself. It's a declaration of your willingness to share your thoughts with the world. But the minute you begin blogging, readers that come with it have to be anticipated. And for every word you type, these people have to stay in the back of your sweet mind. In truth, the readers are the actual authors of the blog, in that they eventually decide the end product of every post. Blogging is, in fact, very much a performance. And like every other performance, you wouldn't want to disappoint your audience.

Pinch Me

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I Corinthians 13:4-7


Love defined who I am today.

Though I may no longer see, hear, or feel love,

Nor love, in return;

I will always remember,

Man is possible of love;

Because you showed me,

You were that love.

Dad

26.4.1938 - 5.4.2001

Always In Loving Memory.

The Barter System

Barter is a type of trade in which goods or services are directly exchanged for other goods and/or services, without the use of money.


I'll trade my...

1) guitar skills for better drumming skills.

2) drumming skills for better vocals.

3) DotA skills for better 02jam skills.

4) 02jam skills for better Guitar Hero skills.

5) football skills for rugby skills.

6) ping pong skills for tennis skills.

7) sports abilities for the ability to dance.
 
8) agility for flexibility.

9) curly hair for corn-row, mohawk, or an afro.

10) brown eyes for bigger eyes.

11) tanned skin for some height.

12) 26GB of music for lessons with rock legends.

13) acoustic for an electric.

14) HP laptop for a high-end desktop.

15) Samsung U600 for an iPhone.

16) Converse shoes for two pairs of 'em.

17) F30 Adidas boots for a trip to White Hart Lane.

18) close friends for dad.

19) mom's love for me for more of my love for her.

20) girlfriend for my own band.

21) dog Sasha for a fat Persian cat.

22) 3rd semester for my family trip to UK.

23) academic success for knowledge.

24) ability to argue for a better listening ear.

25) ability to talk nonsense for the gift of an orator.

26) ability to write for longer attention span.

27) ability to know for the ability to do.

28) ability to stay awake for some decent sleep.

29) materialism for spirituality.

30) life for an eternal one.


Just needed to get away from the real life for abit.

Cheers.

Rorschach's Journal

I beg your pardon, I don't mean to blog with such consistency. But after an encounter with Rorschach in Watchmen, I felt compelled to write. Such truth in Rorschach's words; they were in line with the thoughts in the book "Satan & The Problem Of Evil", which I'm currently studying.

For some, the movie Watchmen was a total waste of time. I, personally, felt it was a good movie, excluding the gore as I'm no fan of extreme violence. It was a little draggy, and certain parts were illogical if you were to reason, but hey, it's a movie after all, right? The music was also fantastic. The movie opened with Bob Dylan's "The Times They Are a-Changin", and tracks throughout include Simon & Garfunkel's "The Sound of Silence", Nat King Cole's "Unforgettable", and Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah". It cuts, therefore, as one good movie on the whole.

I used to attribute all kinds of suffering, evil, mishap, accident, and sorrow to God. I believed that there is a divine purpose for all these to happen. But after reading (still in the process of) the book "Satan & The Problem Of Evil", I realised that Augustine's blueprint worldview (the view of the world rooted in the assumption that behind every specific event there is a specific divine reason as to why it was ordained or at least allowed to take place) may not be as flawless as it seemed after all.

For how can we attribute that which is evil to a God who is good by nature? If all kinds of evil are part of God's divine plan, how can we be blamed and be justly punished for them? If it's so, God is the author of evil, and therefore we are absolved of responsibility for all our actions, because it is God who ultimately determines what we want and what we do. And so, I began a quest to look further into this matter, as I've always questioned the origins of evil, and why we're morally responsible for it.

Rorschach was a sociopath, a lunatic, branded by people around him who don't see life as he does. But I see Rorschach as more of a Christian than a psycho. Rorschach believed in moral absolutism and moral objectivism. In his world, good and evil are clearly defined, and evil must be violently punished. For this cause, he alienated himself from the rest of the society. From his words, it was also clear that he held the postapostolic father's views concerning evil. He believed in incompatibilistic freedom. God created all of us (even Satan and angels) with a free will; the ability and self-determining freedom to choose. We are the ultimate cause and explanation of our actions. In one scene, Rorschach said that it wasn't God who made the world the way it was (referring to the war-torn world with constant nuclear threats). He said it was us, humans.  

And as I read, I came upon the trinitarian warfare worldview, which combines belief in the Trinity with a recognition of the war-torn nature of this world. It's a view of the world that understands that there are good and bad spirits significantly involved in the affairs of the world. It argues that the scope and intensity of suffering and evil we experience in this world are only adequately accounted for when viewed against the backdrop of a cosmic war between God and Satan. Satan and his angels have their free will and therefore, they have the ability to thwart God's plan. But God will always work with his people to bring good out of evil, often with such effectiveness that it may seem that the evil was planned all along. [Extracts from Satan & The Problem Of Evil]

This is a huge subject to cover in a blog post. My attempts in elaboration are futile to a certain extent I believe, but nevertheless, they are essential. I've only covered a chapter of the book, but I've gained new perspectives and insights concerning the problem of evil. It is time we break free from the cliche of comforting ourselves that it's part of God's divine plan when things screw up or when evil occurs. The fact that this world looks like a warzone is because it is a world at war. Therefore, we as Christians, are all in this war together, to defeat the evil forces of Satan.

Let us stand firm in our beliefs, as we strive to battle against the formidable opponent, Satan and his angels. We may fall, now and then, but as Rorschach's final words go: We should never compromise; even if it's Armageddon.

Of Writings, Fat People, And Change

"You couldn't effect change with a song. You could only write about what was inside you. And folk music was, fat people."

Jack Rollins, I'm Not There.

In the 1960's, Bob Dylan sang songs of protests against the Establishment. His songs became anthems of both the civil rights movements and of those opposed to the Vietnam War. Above, was a phrase taken from the biographical film of Bob Dylan's life. Jack Rollins, in the film, was a metaphorical figure of one aspect of Bob Dylan's life. By the end of 1963, Bob Dylan stopped protesting. He felt manipulated and constrained by the folk and protest movements.

Malaysia is in a severe political turmoil. Perak is in a state of impasse. Politically motivated blogs, bloggers are everywhere. I'm guilty as charged; I feel like one too. There were times I felt tempted to join the crowd, to write anti-Establishment posts, to speak my heart out on the political situation in Malaysia.

But how much change could we really effect with what we write?

It is sad to see our country in such a political crisis, as never before. What more, when it's happening in my own state, my hometown. Each of us can blog all we want about corruption, power abuse, and money politics. We can hurl and heap insults on the government, the ruling party and specific worthless leaders. We can write about what is inside us. But that is all we can do. At the end of it, we are all just fat people.

And even fat people varies one from another. Even in Perak, legal experts have different opinions on which party is right, which is wrong; which move is constitutional, which is not. Yes, we are not satisfied and we cry out for justice. But justice doesn't come with writings, blog posts, or articles. We can read, be informed and that's about it. We are an impasse ourselves.

We are desperate for change, for political redemption in Malaysia. But change doesn't come in form of songs. Nor writings.

You; You You You You You

I've always maintained that I'm a moderate person, who takes moderate measures, and live with moderate decisions. But I realised now that I'm not. In fact, I'm an extremist. I can change in a matter of a few days. I take risks, I make extreme decisions. For example, at times, I feel that I can do anything, and everything, to the point I tell myself I'm "perfect". Yet, at times (like this), I feel like a total failure. I'm intimidated by people, things, and everything around me; losing grip on how "good" I am.

For someone who thinks he is perfect, coming to terms with reality that he is not, is not always easy. But I admit that, yes, I'm no God. I'm nothing but cells and water.

It has always been my stand that blogging is no place for any relationships stuff. It makes the blog all jiwang and mushy and yeah, you get my drift. But because of the extremist nature in me, I'm hopping over to the opposition party; just like the corrupted politics in my beloved country. Yet, I cannot be despised for not having any ideals, and betraying my voter's trust and confidence in me because I'm no politician. Change is certain, and change is good; especially when you see things from a different perspective and with different reason.

Today, this post is about my relationship with you. I'm sorry that it has to end this way, but even right now, I've no regrets on the decision I've made. I'm sorry, because I'm temperamental. I'm sorry because I thought I can commit to a relationship only to find myself unable to give the commitment a relationship requires. It's never my intention to hurt you over and over again, or come and go as I please. I'm sorry that I'm an extremist. I'm sorry for saying I love you when I'm not capable of loving. I'm sorry it's back to square one.

You've never said you're unhappy with me. At least not to my face. But deep down inside, I know better. Even in your writings, it's clear. I'm a selfish, self-centered, bad-tempered jerk. Yes, I am everything that you say I am. You've given much in this relationship, I have not. It's not going to work that way, I know. You said that breakup is not a solution to you, but to me, it's the only and the best way we both can take. I'm not taking the easy way out, but because of who I am, I have to make certain decisions.

Someone told me that maybe I have to learn the lesson of commitment before I can be in any relationships. That God wants me to solve this issue I struggle with. I know to you, all this is a load of crap, because you have heard it from me before. The response you gave me was, how come I never thought of or deal with this issue before starting a relationship? I'm human, I'm flawed. I make mistakes. I took the risk, and put your feelings at stake. Again, I'm sorry. For who am I, to gamble on people and their feelings, just because of my own feelings? I'm selfish.

Not everything that happens, happens with a specific divine purpose. I have my self-determining freedom. I am the ultimate cause and explanation for my behaviour and decisions. Nevertheless, it will be good, in the long run. God is working to bring good out of everything. And when the war is over, and God is victorious, everything will be good.

But for now, we're all in this war together.

Shadow Of The Day

Blogging comes upon me in waves. There was a period I was a blogging enthusiast. There was a period (and still having occasional periods) of blog-suicide contemplations. My soul, my spirit, speaks naught of the state in which I currently reside.

Nevertheless, after spitting out fireballs of posts without much meaning, my system is cleansed. Even so, the cleansing is temporal, for as much as sense lives in me, nonsense lives in me like a conficker worm in an external hard disk: it cannot be removed. (now for those more technical, of course the worm can be removed by formatting the external but putting it in equal terms would mean brainwashing me)

Thus, having said that, I proceed now with this post.

Of late, I feel like a ghost. Given, I would have chosen a word less spooky and with more elegance but sometimes, the basic term is the best expression of the mind. Eating is a routine, sleeping is unnecessary, living is labour. Under normal conditions, I eat in a no holds barred manner, to the point of abnormality. I have lost this passion. Eating is to me a duty. Each spoonful of stuff I put in my mouth is just because I have a responsibility to my body. To not let it wither. I love sleep, I still do and always will. But I find it becoming unnecessary and that I can do without pretty much of it. I can stay awake till 5am, sleep for near 5hours, and go the day without naps. I find it hard to sleep. It's like; fear of sleep. The human life is a labour. Don't get me wrong; Lord, I know I still have You. Yet, tis' so hard to live when living is a routine. I refuse to be a machine.

Stop these thoughts in me. Yet, as long as I live, my thoughts live with me. However, I figured out that my thoughts can be alive, but not living. And so, I shut my thoughts up in the prison of my mind, choosing to live each day with blankness and simplicity. And without living thoughts, I'm naught but flesh and bones. A physical body that I do not own, preserved by mere humanity. No, this is not a severe case of boredom, nor depression. Talk to me; you'd find me perfectly happy, normal, and myself. But yet, I ask this question:

Who am I?

My existence ceases with each passing moment. And I question, what is my existence? Why do I exist? Yes, I have heard much; so much, that the answer becomes the problem: it becomes routined. Therefore, I'm no longer seeking for the answer in your mind, one which you want to comfort me with. I'm seeking for something more. Something more than an answer..

The Chronicles of Wadeland: His Story

Once upon a time in a land unbeknownst to man, lived a breathtakingly beautiful Wade. His name is Wadefish. He was the only creature in the land that has sense, enough at least to cover the entire Wade population. Now, I believe you may be asking questions as such: What is a Wade? In a coconutshell, a Wade is basically a creature that exists. Therefore, a Mathematical equation will be as such:

Wade = Existence

Therefore, none can truly say, "Look, bro. I'm no Wade. I don't belong to your stupid story.", because etched deeply inside everyone one of us, is a Wade. Now, that brings us to the next question, which would simply be: What Wade am I then? I, for one, do not yet know exactly the nature which determines one's Wade, but all I can say is, it's pretty much up to the Fish.

Back to the story.

Now, one fine and bright morning, Wadefish was taking a stroll along the river when he noticed aimless Wades sitting around the banks of the river. They were not doing anything at all; and if you know the exact definition of doing nothing, you'd pretty much get the idea that these Wades were as good as dead. Wadefish, overwhelmed with compassion for these helpless, useless Wades, immediately decided to do something. And so, he formed the Wade Clan, recruited all these Wades, and called each one of them by name. His purpose was to give them an aim in life, something which they can live and die for. And the land which they dwelt in was given the name - Wadeland.

To be continued...

Defence of the Ancients

There exists a computer game. A game by the name, Defence of the Ancients. I am made of flesh and spirit. While my spirit is the Sentinel in the game, my flesh is the Scourge. They are constantly at war.

5 heroes aside, the battle begins. Sentinel has Christianity, Will, Conscience, Family, and Friends. Scourge has Movies, Games, Computer, Sleep, and Enemies-With-Undisclosed-Identities. In me, Sentinel is always fighting a losing battle.

Sentinel's towers and raxes are always down, and Scourge are always inside the base, waiting outside the Fountain of Life . Most of the heroes in Sentinel are weak and their levels are low. Only Will and Conscience are weakly resisting. Most of them have no items. If they do, the items would be basic items to lengthen their survival by a few seconds. Everytime they respawn, its an almost-immediate death for them if they don't stay near the fountain enough. Any attempts of resistance will result in another tens of seconds of respawning time.

So, why is Scourge so strong in me? Why are they overwhelming? Because I have fed them, and they have farmed and grown very fat indeed. They have reached level 25. Their items are godlike. Most heroes have evasion, critical strike, cleaving damage, lifesteal and permanent stun. Given enough time and rematches, they'd probably be able to even break the Fountain of Life, one day. The Tree of Life is a goner.

What do you do then, in these situations?

I'd say, QUIT THE GAME.

I am no leaver by nature, but if certain circumstances prevail, nature may change. - The Great Clarence

The Beauty And The Beast

Once, I thought this was beauty.



As I grew up, I felt that this was beauty.



Still, at one point in my life I felt that this was true beauty.



At times I was almost sure that this was beauty.



Then again, at times I felt that this was it.



But at then end of all comtemplations, I stumbled upon a truth. The truth that man sees beauty with the heart, and not the eyes. I come to realise, how volatile beauty is to the eyes alone, that man can choose to see beauty in anything and anyone when he wants to. At the same time, man can choose to not see beauty, at his leisure.

At the end of it, I realised that I still have not found beauty, because I am the contradiction of mankind. The beauty that I see with my eyes alone often stays, but the beauty that I see with my heart, is the beauty that is volatile. It is then that I come upon the conclusion that my heart is volatile, that I can never trust my heart.

And yet, when all else fades, I realise that I have found that beauty after all, where neither my heart nor my eyes cheat me. The beauty that resides in my subconscious. The beauty that is unchanging, in all circumstances. The beauty that is eternal. The beauty that is, love.

I have found you, beauty.



Thank you for your love.

P/S: Happy Birthday, Sis.

The Bowman

It is manifest that the same thing cannot do two opposite things, or be in two opposite states, in the same part of it, and with reference to the same object, so that where we find these phenomena occuring, we shall know that the subjects of them are not identical, but more than one.

Let us come to a still more exact understanding, lest we should chance to differ as we proceed. If it were said of a man who is standing still, but moving his hands and his head, that the same individual is at the same time at rest and in motion, we should not, I imagine, allow this to be a correct way of speaking, but should say that part of the man is at rest, and part in motion : should we not?

And if the objector should indulge in yet further pleasantries, so far refining as to say that at any rate a top is wholly at rest and in motion at the same time, when it spins with its peg fixed on a given spot, or that anything else revolving in the same place is an instance of the same thing, we should reject his illustration, because in such cases the things are not both stationary and in motion in respect of the same parts of them, and we should reply that they contain an axis and a circumference, and that in respect of the axis they are stationary, inasmuch as they do not lean to any side; but in respect of the circumference they are moving round and round: but if, while the rotatory motion continues, the axis at the same time inclines to the right or to the left, forwards or backwards, then they cannot be said in any sense to be at rest.

Then no objection of that kind will alarm us, or tend at all to convince us that it is ever possible for one and the same thing, at the same time, in the same part of it, and relatively to the same object, to be acted upon in two opposite ways, or to be two opposite things, or to produce two opposite effects.

The bowman analogy is the perfect cry of my soul. It would not be right to say of the bowman, that his hands are at the same time drawing the bow towards him, and pushing it from him, the fact being that one of his hands pushes it from him, and the other pulls it to him. The left hand pushes the bow out, and yet, the right hand cannot function the same way. The right hand has to function as an antagonist, the rebel of the movement procured, in order for the bow to work. And so, the right hand pulls the bow towards the bowman. As the tension increases, the right hand eventually has to give in. Two opposite actions then converge into one, resulting in the bow releasing the arrow, meeting its mark.

Socrates, in Plato's Republic, stated that a man's soul contains two principles, distinct one from the other. The part of the soul with which it reasons is given the title of the rational principle, and to that part with which it loves and hungers and thirsts, and experiences the flutter of the other desires, the title of the irrational and concupiscent principle, the ally of sundry indulgences and pleasures.

The rational principle in me would be the left hand of the bowman, while the irrational principle, the right. Rational pushes me, confirming that I will go if I get the scholarship. But the state of my heart is the opposite. The irrational principle holds me back, pulls me the other way. Eventually, the latter principle will give in to the distinct and stronger principle; the former principle. And that is where two opposite states converge into one; realising my dreams, my aspirations, my ambitions.

Tomorrow, is the dawn of a new beginning. Morning jog will start. And I will be fasting and praying for 3 days. For my grandmother, my family, and for my friends.

Can I live on water?

"And Jesus answered him, saying, It is written, That man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word of God. "

Luke 4 : 4

I have so randomed-thoughts in my mind that I do not know how to begin.

Today, I realised I am not special.

Not unique, not exceptional, not remarkable.

Not gifted, not talented, not wanted.

Today, I don't feel belonged.

Today, I don't feel loved.

Today, I realised I am nobody.

I have always felt the opposite about myself; maybe partly due to the comfort zone I was in, the people I was around; who made me feel special, made me feel that I am someone. People who affirmed me, who let me know I can do great things.

Today, I thought and I realised, I am nothing. What I thought I was good at, there are always people out there who are better. I am alone; I lack the support I get from you guys back at home.

I am common.

I am just a speck in the world.

An insignificant speck.

A World Of Thoughts

I am no orator.

How I long to verbalize my thoughts.

Often I find myself thinking, but always unable to turn thoughts into spoken words. I can only pen them down; how I wish I have the gift of an orator.

Indeed, I am an unintelligible teacher.

Unable to cope with verbal communication, I am left trapped in a world of ideas. Many may disagree with this statement, but free yourself from delusion; for I only impress with meaningless words.

I want to speak with substance. I want to make myself heard; not in the same manner anymore.

I want to speak with the mind.

The ideal state is a state ruled by philosophers.

Short Titles, Long Posts Ain't Cool; Long Titles, Short Posts Are.

Once, a friend of mine said, "Time flies like birds." The moment we heard it, many of us burst out in laughter at the queer statement. Yes, he got rather tongue-tied and brain-jammed when it was his turn to share in a group.

Now, the question posed would be, why birds? Why not, "Time flies like concords"? or "Time flies like light"? Why choose an organism with limited velocity to illustrate speed and not something more accurate, something with more velocity?

With utmost respect for my friend, I would say it doesn't make sense; and come to think of it, it was a rather stupid illustration. But then again, I often find myself referring to this metaphor when it comes to the motion of time. Why?

The truth is, birds are indeed the best epitome of time. Often, we do not notice the presence of the many birds around us, going about their day. They fly freely; often out of the boundaries of our vision and to lands unknown. And when we start to notice them, we realise that they have grown much; before they fly off again.

In the same way, often we get too caught up with life that we lose sight of time. We cease to remember that time is living, and it's moving. When our conscience hits us and time flies within the grasp of our vision again, we come upon the realization that time indeed has grown, and so have we. And then, time flies off again.

Memories are sweet, at the same time nostalgic. I wish I could stop reminiscing. Time indeed flew like birds.

This post would be around for some time folks; until I get my electronic wife to KL.

Death And All His Friends

Farewells are not sweet, no matter how near you are leaving to. Life changes. There are crossroads, intersections, in which we either meet, or part.

I guess this is the time of the latter.

Eliza told me, she hates all this. She wants it to go away. She wants everyone to stay. Take away my rational and my cry would be the same.

I can understand how Eliza feels because nobody likes farewells. There are two kinds of loss in this world, which somehow intertwines with each other. One would be the simple farewell, growing up and going our own separate ways. Recently, many of my close friends left for their studies and things were never the same again, apart from one or two exceptional cases. There is no reconciliation needed for the loss, because it's never a loss of a relationship from the moment we part ways. It is a causal loss in which the relationship changes, yet never broken. The changes could either be negative or positive. Enstrangement or the reverse effect. Friendships would usually take on the former change while family relationships, the latter. And as one move on in search of medication for the less desirable change, one would find comfort in new relationships which ultimately leads to the same ending. The process is repeated as one grows and stops only when life ceases.

And death would be the second kind of loss in which all men have to face. This loss is similar to the first in the way that it is a repetition in our lives but with different characters; until we actually play the main cast ourselves. But for this loss, there is no remedy.

Ever since Dad left, Mom has been the dearest person to me, the person I love most. And as I enjoy my final week in Ipoh, my heart grows heavier by day. The comfort of home, the nest that I nurtured in, I will be leaving it. The nest will be empty.

Mom has been the only person to tolerate so much of my nonsense in love. And there is none like her; no care, no love in the world that can compare. I've given her so much problems; my addiction to computer games, accidents after accidents, my studies, my relationships, my lifestyle. But she bore through them with me, her love never changing, loving me for who I am.

Yes, it may just be KL, and I will be back. But I'm going out now, and life will never be the same. It's an independent road, where I slowly move out from under my mother's wings. I must grow up. But just as how it was for my siblings, I pray that this separation would only draw me closer to my mom than I ever was. Yes, it is paradoxical.

At the end of it, goodbyes, partings, farewells, and separations eventually lead to a common, painful event which we call death. Death and all his friends are an inevitable part of life. It doesn't matter, because there's nothing we can do about it but to wake up everyday, knowing this truth, yet rejoicing in the hope of meeting in the world on the other side. This hope is waiting on us; if ever this world fails us.

For since by man came death, by Man also came the resurrection of the dead. For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ all shall be made alive.

I Corinthians 15:21-22