In the quiet of my 3 walls and a door, I ponder. It was the first night of Fragments, a production of PKVUM. Everything went well, except for a few technical flaws which displayed how human we all are.

The last few days were exhaustive. I skipped the whole day of class today and slept till 3pm. But after so much has been said and done, the only thought I have is: What was I doing?

Now it happened as they went that He entered a certain village; and a certain woman named Martha welcomed Him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who also sat at Jesus' feet and heard His word. But Martha was distracted with much serving, and she approached Him and said, "Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Therefore, tell her to help me." And Jesus answered and said to her, "Martha, Martha, you are worried and troubled about many things. But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her."

Luke 10:38-42

It's not that I'm questioning anyone involved in Fragments or the production itself. I'm not implying that Fragments isn't necessary and we are all to pray and go for bible study on a Tuesday night instead. Because we are also called to make disciples of all nations, to preach the gospel of good news. I'm questioning myself.

I can't seem to worship when I serve. What's worse, I'm a more severe case of Martha. At least she was busy with serving because Jesus was there. I'm involved in Fragments, but just like any other production and events I've been involved in, I find it hard to get myself spiritually involved. I have time for many things, practice and all, but I don't have time to even say a simple prayer (excluding corporate prayers). Even right now, I'd rather blog than read the Bible, after a long day. It is so that I question myself, what am I doing all these for? Is it a showcase of talents I have? A mere responsibility, because I'm a PKV-ian? A duty because I've been asked to help out?

Well, I don't glorify myself, I don't gloat in the spotlight. When I play the guitar, I just play the guitar. I enjoy it but nothing else. I try as much as possible to worship, to sing with conviction. But with the guitar in my hands, I find it hard. I don't understand how people actually worship with an instrument. Consciously, I cannot. And partly maybe, I have not spent enough time with my God. I have not taken time to sit at His feet, to listen and not talk, to stop being distracted with serving for once.

I do not want to stay Martha. I want to be a combination of Mary and Martha. Maybe it is only good that I lay down my guitar for some time after tomorrow's Fragments. I should not serve, unless I get it right.