Wednesday, February 25, 2009

You; You You You You You

I've always maintained that I'm a moderate person, who takes moderate measures, and live with moderate decisions. But I realised now that I'm not. In fact, I'm an extremist. I can change in a matter of a few days. I take risks, I make extreme decisions. For example, at times, I feel that I can do anything, and everything, to the point I tell myself I'm "perfect". Yet, at times (like this), I feel like a total failure. I'm intimidated by people, things, and everything around me; losing grip on how "good" I am.

For someone who thinks he is perfect, coming to terms with reality that he is not, is not always easy. But I admit that, yes, I'm no God. I'm nothing but cells and water.

It has always been my stand that blogging is no place for any relationships stuff. It makes the blog all jiwang and mushy and yeah, you get my drift. But because of the extremist nature in me, I'm hopping over to the opposition party; just like the corrupted politics in my beloved country. Yet, I cannot be despised for not having any ideals, and betraying my voter's trust and confidence in me because I'm no politician. Change is certain, and change is good; especially when you see things from a different perspective and with different reason.

Today, this post is about my relationship with you. I'm sorry that it has to end this way, but even right now, I've no regrets on the decision I've made. I'm sorry, because I'm temperamental. I'm sorry because I thought I can commit to a relationship only to find myself unable to give the commitment a relationship requires. It's never my intention to hurt you over and over again, or come and go as I please. I'm sorry that I'm an extremist. I'm sorry for saying I love you when I'm not capable of loving. I'm sorry it's back to square one.

You've never said you're unhappy with me. At least not to my face. But deep down inside, I know better. Even in your writings, it's clear. I'm a selfish, self-centered, bad-tempered jerk. Yes, I am everything that you say I am. You've given much in this relationship, I have not. It's not going to work that way, I know. You said that breakup is not a solution to you, but to me, it's the only and the best way we both can take. I'm not taking the easy way out, but because of who I am, I have to make certain decisions.

Someone told me that maybe I have to learn the lesson of commitment before I can be in any relationships. That God wants me to solve this issue I struggle with. I know to you, all this is a load of crap, because you have heard it from me before. The response you gave me was, how come I never thought of or deal with this issue before starting a relationship? I'm human, I'm flawed. I make mistakes. I took the risk, and put your feelings at stake. Again, I'm sorry. For who am I, to gamble on people and their feelings, just because of my own feelings? I'm selfish.

Not everything that happens, happens with a specific divine purpose. I have my self-determining freedom. I am the ultimate cause and explanation for my behaviour and decisions. Nevertheless, it will be good, in the long run. God is working to bring good out of everything. And when the war is over, and God is victorious, everything will be good.

But for now, we're all in this war together.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

hey, it takes a real man to be able to say those things... yup, we are all flawed, and i guess its the willingness to learn and to improve tat set the better-and-flawed ones from the rest...cheerz....

yohanand said...

you; you you you you you, You Mapu! haha

adrian said...

oi dude cheer up. flaws,mistakes comes everyday..its a way of life la..we should embark it n carry on until when we can`t make it..we sought help =)can`t wait to see u again dude..t care la

Arliexzter Szereal said...

wake up! Real relationships are about trust and care given out by both parties. Love is like a knot. A knot tied by two different strings. When attached, it is firm. But none of the two parties can hold on too tightly, or depend on too much, or fret on it too much, or have a grip too grim, or else, the strings will just fall apart. There must be allowance, and tolerance of feelings and attitude plays an absolutely vital role in maintaining a relationship. Never blame youself nor the partner. Never blame it on anything for there was no fault in the beginning. The start of a relationship is not about fate. Its about the charm, the respect, the adoration, the appraisal of each's heart, the feeling, the love... Nothing went wrong.

Its just the wind.