Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Shadow Of The Day



Blogging comes upon me in waves. There was a period I was a blogging enthusiast. There was a period (and still having occasional periods) of blog-suicide contemplations. My soul, my spirit, speaks naught of the state in which I currently reside.

Nevertheless, after spitting out fireballs of posts without much meaning, my system is cleansed. Even so, the cleansing is temporal, for as much as sense lives in me, nonsense lives in me like a conficker worm in an external hard disk: it cannot be removed. (now for those more technical, of course the worm can be removed by formatting the external but putting it in equal terms would mean brainwashing me)

Thus, having said that, I proceed now with this post.

Of late, I feel like a ghost. Given, I would have chosen a word less spooky and with more elegance but sometimes, the basic term is the best expression of the mind. Eating is a routine, sleeping is unnecessary, living is labour. Under normal conditions, I eat in a no holds barred manner, to the point of abnormality. I have lost this passion. Eating is to me a duty. Each spoonful of stuff I put in my mouth is just because I have a responsibility to my body. To not let it wither. I love sleep, I still do and always will. But I find it becoming unnecessary and that I can do without pretty much of it. I can stay awake till 5am, sleep for near 5hours, and go the day without naps. I find it hard to sleep. It's like; fear of sleep. The human life is a labour. Don't get me wrong; Lord, I know I still have You. Yet, tis' so hard to live when living is a routine. I refuse to be a machine.

Stop these thoughts in me. Yet, as long as I live, my thoughts live with me. However, I figured out that my thoughts can be alive, but not living. And so, I shut my thoughts up in the prison of my mind, choosing to live each day with blankness and simplicity. And without living thoughts, I'm naught but flesh and bones. A physical body that I do not own, preserved by mere humanity. No, this is not a severe case of boredom, nor depression. Talk to me; you'd find me perfectly happy, normal, and myself. But yet, I ask this question:

Who am I?

My existence ceases with each passing moment. And I question, what is my existence? Why do I exist? Yes, I have heard much; so much, that the answer becomes the problem: it becomes routined. Therefore, I'm no longer seeking for the answer in your mind, one which you want to comfort me with. I'm seeking for something more. Something more than an answer..

9 comments:

Steven Chang said...

wow! we do enjoy blogging in the early morning huh? haha! talked to u just now before coming to this blog here. yea right, u gonna be wadeghost. a pervert ghost. ham sup guai! i know u wanna be one.

wadefish said...

i'm still awake. anyways, you really gave me more than an answer. you gave me insults LOL! yeah, im a wadehamsapguai.

liz said...

gung. ive change my blog add. hernameisliz.blogspot.com

adrian said...

oi whre is 2nd prt of wadeclan..lolx.im been bombarded wth asignment n tests lately..lol..sleeping is routine for me..online is unneccesary.each day..i am trying to seek my existence too,just like u.

wadefish said...

wait for the conficker worm in me to respawn la.

we're all humans, all too human.

pismayka said...

haha. congratulations ccwk. u're d 1st pig i noe who actually has d ability to lose the passion of eating.

yeah 'who am i?',the question dat billions seek the answer for. but thank God for his promise:
'seek and you will find.'
:)

stmaverick said...

Clarence,

It's been awhile since we were last in touch. Glad to see you're blogging quite frequently these days. At least it gives me a chance to catch up with how you've been, even though in your words they're mostly "fireballs of posts without much meaning". Heh heh.

Take care, my friend. Hope you continue to be strong and stay happy. It's easier to discover the meaning of life when you're in a good mood rather than having sad thoughts burden your mind.

Oh yeah, here's my new blog: http://hanseong.wordpress.com/ =)

Cheers!
Jared

wadefish said...

pismayka: since when am i a pig. but yeah, the passion is slowly coming back. =) it's with a glimmer of hope that i live everyday.

jared: thanks, bro. i know, we've been so out of touch with each other. well, like i said, this blogging thing comes and goes. so, hope i can keep this up, and keep up with yours this time round. how have you been? hope all's well. where you now? anyway, will link you =)

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