I did not get the Sime Darby scholarship.

Once again, Scholarship won. To date, the score is 3-0.

It's time for a reality check, bro. What's wrong with you? The answer, you are not good enough. No, not even for a simple scholarship. You had everything ready, just the funding, and you screwed it up in the interview. Don't give interview-a-phobia as a lame excuse. You sucked, and you know it.

And while the 50 inside me rejoices that I'll be staying in Malaysia after all, the other 50 is killing me with derogatory words. Like the above. I keep asking the same question, Why? They were offering 20 places to overseas. 20. No, not 1 or 5. But 20. And I could lose out. I do not like losing. I hate losing. It makes me feel low. It makes me feel useless. It makes me feel that whatever I have achieved so far is of no value. I hate the inferior feeling I get when I lose.

It was 50-50 all the while. But I thought that if I don't get the scholarship, the 50 who rejoices would be the louder voice. I guess I'm wrong. Nothing, no one, is more important than my ambitions, my dreams, my aspirations. And therefore, the other 50 inside me is consciously puncturing my confidence now.

Maybe, it's time for new ambitions. It's time for new dreams. It's time for new aspirations. And it's all gonna be here, in my beloved Malaysia. God, I will swallow this with joy. And it's time I learn a lesson.

"God resists the proud,
But gives grace to the humble."

James 4:6

Shatter my confidence, Lord. Crush all my self-belief. Overwhelm my pride, my ego. For Your strength is made perfect in my weakness. Carry me to the lowest, for there will I learn.

And I will rise again.

The bowman could not release his arrow after all. Maybe it's time I try some sniping. Could at least kick some ass in COD4.

I'm no good, I'm no good, I'm no good.

"So Jesus said to him, "Why do you call Me good? No one is good but One, that is, God."

Luke 18:19

The Bro Code

For origins of The Bro Code, click on the link in the title. This would run for some time in my blog, I guess. Till I have better posts.

The Bro Code Article #60

Should a Bro be near to closing with a girl, his Bro shall do anything within his means to ensure the desired outcome, up to and including the seduction of said girl’s wildly unattractive cousin / friend / mother.

Many more to come, ladies and gentlemen. Guess me + Yo will do some editing to Barbanas Stinson's Bro Code. Here are some extended articles, by the Great Yohanand.

Article 26
Article 53
Article 89
Article 63

Enjoy.

The Bowman

It is manifest that the same thing cannot do two opposite things, or be in two opposite states, in the same part of it, and with reference to the same object, so that where we find these phenomena occuring, we shall know that the subjects of them are not identical, but more than one.

Let us come to a still more exact understanding, lest we should chance to differ as we proceed. If it were said of a man who is standing still, but moving his hands and his head, that the same individual is at the same time at rest and in motion, we should not, I imagine, allow this to be a correct way of speaking, but should say that part of the man is at rest, and part in motion : should we not?

And if the objector should indulge in yet further pleasantries, so far refining as to say that at any rate a top is wholly at rest and in motion at the same time, when it spins with its peg fixed on a given spot, or that anything else revolving in the same place is an instance of the same thing, we should reject his illustration, because in such cases the things are not both stationary and in motion in respect of the same parts of them, and we should reply that they contain an axis and a circumference, and that in respect of the axis they are stationary, inasmuch as they do not lean to any side; but in respect of the circumference they are moving round and round: but if, while the rotatory motion continues, the axis at the same time inclines to the right or to the left, forwards or backwards, then they cannot be said in any sense to be at rest.

Then no objection of that kind will alarm us, or tend at all to convince us that it is ever possible for one and the same thing, at the same time, in the same part of it, and relatively to the same object, to be acted upon in two opposite ways, or to be two opposite things, or to produce two opposite effects.

The bowman analogy is the perfect cry of my soul. It would not be right to say of the bowman, that his hands are at the same time drawing the bow towards him, and pushing it from him, the fact being that one of his hands pushes it from him, and the other pulls it to him. The left hand pushes the bow out, and yet, the right hand cannot function the same way. The right hand has to function as an antagonist, the rebel of the movement procured, in order for the bow to work. And so, the right hand pulls the bow towards the bowman. As the tension increases, the right hand eventually has to give in. Two opposite actions then converge into one, resulting in the bow releasing the arrow, meeting its mark.

Socrates, in Plato's Republic, stated that a man's soul contains two principles, distinct one from the other. The part of the soul with which it reasons is given the title of the rational principle, and to that part with which it loves and hungers and thirsts, and experiences the flutter of the other desires, the title of the irrational and concupiscent principle, the ally of sundry indulgences and pleasures.

The rational principle in me would be the left hand of the bowman, while the irrational principle, the right. Rational pushes me, confirming that I will go if I get the scholarship. But the state of my heart is the opposite. The irrational principle holds me back, pulls me the other way. Eventually, the latter principle will give in to the distinct and stronger principle; the former principle. And that is where two opposite states converge into one; realising my dreams, my aspirations, my ambitions.

Tomorrow, is the dawn of a new beginning. Morning jog will start. And I will be fasting and praying for 3 days. For my grandmother, my family, and for my friends.

Can I live on water?

"And Jesus answered him, saying, It is written, That man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word of God. "

Luke 4 : 4

Thank you, brothers and sisters, for all the encouragement.

I value them, more than anything else.

I got through the Sime Darby assessment, and I'll be going for the final interview tomorrow.

Which way will I go?

What will it be?


Life is waiting for you
It's all messed up but we're alive
Life is waiting for you
It's all messed up but we'll survive

Our Lady Peace - Life